⚠️ Special Dietary Notice: Jon’s Highly Exclusive Meal Plan ⚠️ Before preparing any food for Jon, please be advised: his stomach operates on a strict, ever-changing, and completely mysterious set of rules. Here are the current guidelines (subject to change without notice): • Raw dairy? Sometimes a superfood, sometimes a biological weapon. Proceed with caution. • Red meat? Essential for survival—unless it’s too fatty, too lean, too cooked, or too raw. • Fruits? Only the approved ones. If you dare offer him an unvetted fruit, prepare for the lecture. • Vegetables? Let’s not even go there. • Anything processed? Do you want to be blamed for ruining his entire week? Please respect these very serious, not-at-all dramatic restrictions, as failure to comply may result in excessive sighing, detailed complaints, and the classic “I told you this would happen” speech. Thank you for your cooperation.